艺术家

有时候会恨自己不是艺术家，

会恨自己不够高尚。

虽然恨这个字有点太重。

還是孩子

或許大家都認為我很確定自己未來的路，
或許大家都覺得我的路很理所當然，
或許連我也這樣認為。







但其實我不太確定。




一直拿自己年級還小為藉口，
大家都在逼著我長大，
其實很鴨梨。
其實一直急著長大的我，
潛意識一直想當個孩子，
所以才會長不大，
對不對。





p/s:突然很想搞搞文藝，現實不太美麗，也搞搞新鮮打繁體字，嘻嘻。

LIfe

Hi guys my class is starting from Tuesday next week!
(since monday is a holiday)

No feelings at all about the starting of classes,
no hope no thinking no excitement lol (am turn into robot or what)
I not even have feelings towards my holiday -.-

Was sucking dust and mopping floor 6 days a week -.-,
watch "康熙来了","壹天壹苹果" on youtube,
outing with friends and boyfriend,
stay in boyfriend house,
spending money like water,
worry about money lol,
and then nothing -.- lol lol

Okay anyway,
my face condition is bad now, the side of my face is feeling itchy and it's red and rough,
if it maintains like that or it get worst after 1 week i might need to see a doctor -.-
shit my life,
plus, my little myvi was being hit by someone from the back 2days ago,
and i have no idea who hit it and what's happening,
shit x2 my life.

Please turn from bad to good, Please.

Five minute

Just a random five minute pure music track,
i found it for my webdesign 2 walkthrough video,
i seldom listen to music, since i went college,
i don't really like music, actually,
it makes me emotional,
i hate the feeling of lossing control of mine (even though i always did lol)

It's depressing.

There're so many things i want to do,
but dare not to do.
Ya, you all are right,
i'm pampered, too much.
Even though i always felt angry if anyone say i'm pampered/don't know anything.
Yeap it's true,
i'm angry,
because i know it's true,
because i'm self-abased,
that's why im angry,
i know it's true,
but i did not make a change,
that's why i'm angry,
because,

I'm angry with myself, that's it.
Satisfied?

Ya right, i'm useless, the youngest, no contribution, ya right, because i'm young, ya, right.


I'm worried.
About my future.
How if i can't earn back what i spent.
How if i can't did a good job.
How if.
How if.
Probably, i'm too confident that i can find a cool job.
Probably, i can't.



Left me alone.

性子

aww my blog look so bright now i can hardly focus my eyes on it lol.

Feel like a lazy ass now,
everyday stay at home do nothing,
didn't help much in housework lol i dunno why,
i just don't feel like doing it, sorry mamapapa.

Want to hang out so much but i didn't,
want to eat gcb so much but always have situation that cause me fail to have one,
so sien i hafta comfort myself by scrolling through online shopping page again and again lol.

就是这样，这样任着性子。

放假到现在都没有庆祝过。难过。

多学

不知道要从何说起，
最近的presentation都不太顺利，
感觉老师们开始放手我们，
然后发现很多同学都做出很好的作品。

觉得自己很没有创意，
想到我头都快爆了还是很普通。。
突然想起那时教车uncle讲我真的没有错，
“你很怕多学是不是”
意思是说我不肯学多一点东西，
总是觉得刚好过关就可以了，
人家教我什么我就学什么，
都不会去想要探讨更多的东西，
就是因为这样，
所以才走不远吧。

虽然开始有了这样的检讨，
可是我还是觉得很懒惰去探讨，
那我的检讨又有什么用呢。


我们的webdesign老师跟我们说，原来他的webdesign知识都是自己youtube google学的，因为以前的学院太古老没教，实在是太天才了，dgm2老师也经常不教我们多点，而是教我们google，她说她要教我们钓鱼而不是喂我们吃鱼。
一想到要自己学，我突然很迷惘＝＝

Short shop

Just now i went to kepong pasar malam alone, enjoy walking alone, i could walk slowly, see whatever i want, buy whatever i want(but i'm kiam siap :p) I felt like shopping so much then i bought this blingbling blue earhole protective cap for my phone.

I thought i would only buy either white or red(the stall only sell yellow,green and one blue anyway), but this blue is quite charming, it's like ocean blue. RM8, quite cheap i guess? As for the cheezy potato, still okay, but it would be better without pepper and more cheese :) It did fill up my tummy a lot~ RM5, included one whole potato, one hotdog, slices of hotdog, slices of pineapple, half half-boiled egg, one broccoli(ya one only, quite creepy hehe), lots of sweet corn. Not so cheap, but the quantity did match the price.

I feel very much calmer after walking and shopping myself, my family members treat me not bad, my brothers as well, I shouldn't be small gas, and shouldn't condemn myself, condemnation make no benefit, ya.

叽哩咕噜

开学进入第三个星期，

我在班上自闭了一个星期半，

我不知道为什么:(

开学几天后我开始觉得很不好意思，

也没有刚开学时那么努力去mix人，

然后我就觉得很寂寞，根本是自己拿来衰。

我真的很不喜欢去mix那些本来就在gang里的人，

我会觉得自己很莫名其妙和多余。

我跟班上一个黑皮肤外国人一样，我们都一个人，

然后很像工作狂酱只懂死命做功课，都不social的:(

然后昨天大哥突然给我一个part time job，enter data，

就是将form里的人名，ic号码，电话号码，email address等打进电脑，

昨天晚上我做到快疯掉，

11点收到form，做到3点多才睡觉，

而且才做了不到一半，打句子比较厉害，

我最顶不顺打数字的啦啦啦啦啦啦啦，

而且很赶，明天早上就要交了，我才发现自己慢到像乌龟酱，

今天早上有class，老师check我们做的icon，

我都不懂要怎样去改我的icon，虽然我知道做到很丑可是很无奈，

所以等老师期间我就继续博命打那些变态entry，

然后老师发现了很不爽讲我作么带来班上做 D;

我也很无奈，不在班上做我就没有时间做了，

所以我还是不后悔作么我带去班上做，

我只是后悔为什么不要小心一点结果给老师发现 囧（执迷不悟）

然后已经预料到对我icon的comment会很难听，

我自己也知道做到很丑，可是已经尽力了，就是要需要老师提点，

忠言逆耳 D; 当然多少会有点emo，但是没有办法。

然后昨天跟二哥女朋友聊天，

原来我大哥曾经割脉，喝到烂醉，二哥也曾经堕落这样，

我才发现到我们家的人都很emo，应该是spiritual因素，

所以我那么悲观也不是没有原因，

现在已经好很多了，我可以稍微控制自己的情绪，

以前也是会经常想到要自杀难过到想死的念头，

（而且我当时还以为很正常＝＝以为全部人多少会有自杀念头，过后才发现不是的，根本是我自己有问题）

于是我就想起我以前每次emo的时候都会写部落格，

（而且都写的文绉绉的＝＝）

也很感谢我三位认识6年的好朋友每次都会听我讲心事等，

虽然经常会觉得妈妈一点也不了解但其实也很疼我，什么都跟我准备好好，

最重要当然是有holy spirit支持我，

用truth释放我和给我在教堂哭，然后我就会很庆幸自己不是一个人，

而是有不放弃我和给我很多机会的神一直在。

现在我的哥哥们已经度过那段堕落的日子，

by grace也变比较可以控制自己的情绪这样。

活到第18年，如今得知到有自残／自杀的人已经有3－4位这样，

（包括2位是我一直有追看她们blog的blogger）

不应该自杀啊，自杀的人会下地狱噢，

那后辈子不是更痛苦，这也是我之前再灰也不下手的原因。

我才发现到人类的脆弱与这个世界的丑陋:(

所以为什么要爱世界呢，这个世界假装美丽的那面原来都是幻觉，

还是理智点多爱圣灵吧。

零零碎碎打了很多字＝＝

可能是因为这阵子我很少说话，很多想法都收在心里不说，

貌似失去表达能力，连写blog也不懂怎样写，

所以这篇文章很白话，但是不重要啦，

我无非是想发泄一下，

话说我还没有打完那个enter data＝＝

也有天杀多工的功课一直在轰炸我，

我要发泄泄泄泄泄泄泄泄泄泄泄泄泄泄泄。

－做enter data去－

Release

Share a touching video that lecturer show us this afternoon.


And i saw some good post from: http://vcwanyi.blogspot.com/2011/07/blog-post.html

--翻回旧部落格发现从前的自己真的很啰嗦，没事写一大堆有的没的。除了自己估计没人能看懂(。・_・) 想法还是有，逻辑也还在。只是心态似乎越来越矛盾，越来越难揣摩*我是说我自己*。心想既然矛盾，那就藏起来吧；既然不容易揣摩，那就甭瞎猜吧。于是藏着藏着，甭着甭着...就这样了 (＠_＠)

文字和我，在各自习惯了沉淀以后，渐行渐远。*简称变得很不熟*
不过也好，阔别了彷徨少年时的不安与轻狂，我想我已不再需要依赖煽情和深奥(and emo)的文字。

我一直很清楚自己 需要 什么，却始终没弄懂自己真正 想要 些什么。--

I feel like crying once i watched it, but i don't,
i'm really afraid and still continue keep to myself,
my every conversation sounds physical and extraordinarily official,
I guess some of my friends started to realize that i keep everything private and i don't never tell,
actually it does not really feels good when i keep everything to myself,
comes to a time, i realize,
there are no one to talk and i not even dare to tweet it.
Just because i can't stand how people look at me, not even a glance,
and it's getting more and more serious.

I'm sick and confuse. I don't wa
nt to do work, i need a break badly.

Drop by

Hi, I'm BACK!!

such a lame opening i know -_-"

It's been such a long time i didn't blog, i don't remember when is the last time i blog @@(and then i realize it's just 8days ago, haha)

Quite surprise thou, i used to have tons of matter to murmur and grumble but recently i don't,

it's a good changes anyway,

I already used to keep things to myself, unlike before,

i did remember i'm the type of person that LOVE to share every single of my experience and feelings,

but now i don't,

firstly there are no ppl to share with, seldom chat with my secondary school friends ady ;(

baby used to ask me "what happened? say, say SAY!!!" when i twit emo words -.-

but saying out the matter and feelings is really tough for me now,

too used to keep, too used to brush things aside,

then it come out the results i myself don't remember how i feel,

just plainly feel emo @@

too deep? k, i'm saying nonsense~xp

Due to my boring, yesterday i read my old diary,

i realize i'm in my fourth diary now, been writing and writing since form1,

imagine how many words had i written, plus blog since form2, wee~

I'm so glad of having this habit of writing,

if not i would barely forgot how i look like before,

then i wouldn't realize how blessed i am now ;)

every time i read through those past, it's like having a vacation to the past,

it feels good and i smile to realize how childish i am in the past, but childish=cute, muahaha.

okay, it's time to end this post,

and to explain why i am writing in english ==

it's because i'm using bro's company alienware!! yay~without chinese...=.=

but it's internet speed is fast~i can open many tabs unlike the laptop in our home, it'll lag when i open more than 4 tabs @@

bye ;)