改什么

Intern第一天，
没什么特别，
一如往常地怨。怨。怨。
不是特别不好，是我特别矛盾。
是坏习惯，不是改不了，是没有定力改，
和中学时的作风很不一样，
打从离开中学以后，
改，
就变得很难。
中学是总是不明白别人为什么不改，
为什么知道了自己不好只会一昧自唉自怨，
为什么不改，
我愿意改，
不懂与人沟通，我愿意鼓起勇气，
我愿意参加校内活动，
我愿意改变，
变得更好，有什么不好。

如今我不改了，不想改，不懂改，没力改，
最理直气壮的一句“我是我，为什么要为别人的批评而改”。
除了改设计改点子改变注意，
其余，
都不改。

我怀疑是惰性，
我怀疑是自负，
我怀疑是矛盾，
我怀疑，
如果改了，真的会变得更好吗？是真的吗？真的会更好？到底是不是真的？
想着想着，为什么要改，
于是我继续自负下去。

又自负又没自信又不相信自己又不相信别人，





有什么是真的。

有时候相信别人错相信自己又错，我不懂相信。

還是孩子

或許大家都認為我很確定自己未來的路，
或許大家都覺得我的路很理所當然，
或許連我也這樣認為。







但其實我不太確定。




一直拿自己年級還小為藉口，
大家都在逼著我長大，
其實很鴨梨。
其實一直急著長大的我，
潛意識一直想當個孩子，
所以才會長不大，
對不對。





p/s:突然很想搞搞文藝，現實不太美麗，也搞搞新鮮打繁體字，嘻嘻。

Currently

Being emotionally fragile as always,
as what my lecturer shared few days ago,
"if you avoid to feel it, sooner or later you will become a robot and miss out a lot of little details in life, details eventually are great ideas"
--something like that, i don't remember the exalt sentence.

Being robotic for almost three years since i enter college,
I used to feel a lot when i'm in primary school being a typical emo writer lol,
but,
life is cruel, reality is cruel.
As people grow up,
more responsibilities fall on us,
i admit i'm not grown enough to hold these responsibilities,
i struggle a lot and i hit on walls, fall down on floors(both figuratively and literally -.-)
Btw i'm still struggling lol, but i improve i guess, now i'm emotionally calmer and trying hard to avoid falls.

No idea what i wanted to share lol,
sorry for my poor grammar,
sleepiness, tiredness and worried would conclude my current life.

I wonder when i am going to change better.

Calm Life

Should had blogged something good so that i could improve to a much a optimist person lol.
In fact, life is not bad recently.

My emotion get much more calmer,
basically because my face pimples problem reduce,
I left only 2 tablets and I've been stop eating for two days.

Try not to touch any spicy and definitely no fried food,
eat apples everyone, usually 2 apples a day.

Almost everyone is crazy about minions,
as a result, i was brain-washed lol,
and bought 2 anyway :) one yellow and one purple,
I want the clap hands with eye turning left and right, it was so cute but out of stock at 1pm in the afternoon lol it was unexpectedly too fast -.-
Someone posted on facebook said that someone bought all the minions and sell it higher price out :/ lol it was bad

Just spent RM58 to print my name card just now, it was pricy man,
but ok la Sunday i ask my dad to bought me a RM10 purse,
I likey but i think it will spoil very fast, so cheap what you want.

Having new things make people happy,
am going to get my taobao white huge bag by Thursday,
meeting with my beloved Waisum,
haven't saw her for months!
Although I'm busy but still have to spend time to meet out.

Quiet

Emo max,
i have been going through bad days this year,
try to persuade myself that i have take things too seriously,
it's my bad habit,
i look at things way too serious,
actually the problem is not as serious as i thought,
worried killed.

I change,
i tell no one my true thoughts,
i keep my emotions very deeply as if anyone would look down on me if they knew it.
I'm tired, i hope i could tell someone,
i have been expressing my true feelings so in secondary school time,
i was once so open and i said i didn't secrets,
i said i could share and tell anything, to anyone.

But i CHANGE,
i become so quiet,
some people realize my quietness and wanted me to spoke,
but i don't,
no one successfully helped me,
i have been more and more depress and time passed,
i don't spoke my true self,
in fact,
i don't even know who am i already.
HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO SPOKE MY TRUE FEELINGS WHEN I DON'T EVEN KNOW MY TRUE FEELINGS.

My life have been a mess.

I tried so hard and hope so badly i could grew up, go to college, work.

But now.

Awesome, i'm already in college, and going to interview few weeks later.
But, it's not what i think at all, not at all, i did thought this world way too beautiful, it's not.

Isn't too late to know,
or too early.

I wanted to spoke, but to who, about what, i feel so silly, the biggest enemy is myself.

Da life

Oh shit I've been researching to do my web banner since 10.15,
searching here and then, and then i
"ah haa~let's put my web banner in blogspot, maybe suicide people loves to write emo stuff on blogspot and then saw my banner and then no more suicide",
then i was like "let's see what's the size of web banner in blogspot",
then i enter my blog,
then i enter other blogs,
then i read blogs,
then i continue clicking other articles lol.

And now is 10.58am t_t

i was so stuck lacking of ideas and design solution =_=
how am i going to keep my webbanner under 40kb yet still look pretty == ahem

Just do it.(nike)


p/s:btw im no more pretty coz my face is full with pimples, plus im crazy in eating, my tummy and arms grow bigger and they live happily on my body, shitx2; I must quickly graduated, earn money and go see skin specialist doctor! t_t

脾气

又是到了碎碎念时刻，
我发现自己的dilemma症状越来越严重，
情绪也越来越不好，
前几天research depression做assignment，
发现自己出现了初期症状 =.= okay应该没有那么严重lol

觉得自己真的很神经质，
有时候会心情很差不想吃东西，想吃的时候却不懂要吃什么，
吃个东西都会想很多很多，例如价钱怎样辣不辣好吃不好吃远不远，
想来想去可以想很久，最后还是决定不到，最后竟然就没吃了，
但是没吃却会头晕心情也变得更差。

虽然很不想麻烦别人，但是一点小事都会让我心情不好还有生气，
都不懂什么时候可以改下我的死人脾气。
很讨厌人家骂我指使我做事，
自己却不知道自己要做什么。

讲了那么大一堆也不懂自己在讲什么，
默默地觉得自己应该已经得罪了一大堆人，
但是却不懂要怎样改，算了也没什么好说的，
我本来就不是什么群体动物。


在番茄的网站：
http://wtftomato.blogspot.com/2013/05/blog-post.html
看到的，很贴切，难怪group work会意见不和，都是我的死人艺术家脾气，即使我不是什么艺术家。

不言中。